Reflections on Turning 43

Today is my birthday.  You see, 43 years ago today my mother, Jean, laboured for just a few short hours before I made an appearance...all purple from having the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck (which my sibs might suggest explains some things about how I am today)...but still ready to face the world and all it has to offer.   I was pretty happy as a little guy...not a care in the world.

And life was good...sure I enjoyed myself...indulged even you might say...

There were plenty of thrills...

Lots of laughs...

Good times with good friends...

 Bad Movember staches...

And moments of quiet reflection...

And just when I thought my life was getting a little dull I met this woman...

And after a short while I knew I had found a partner for life...we fell in love...and we became engaged to be married...

And our life together has certainly been eventful...full of ups, downs, thrills, dizzying highs and crushing lows...a roller coaster of emotions if you will...

And then came the fateful day March 13 2012, 5 weeks before we were to be wed, when we received the awful news after a colonoscopy that would change our lives forever.  "You have a growth...a medium to large growth".  "You have cancer".  "You need surgery".  But "you shouldn't have to carry a bag"  (a colostomy bag).  I still can vividly remember the screams, the tears, the shouts of disbelief, the fear as both Victoria and I as processed these words.

From that day forward soooooooo much has happened that it has all become blurred into one experience...Admission to hospital and my first round of what would be numerous tests including my first CT scan,ultrasounds, chest x-rays, surgery, the scare in-hospital, the terrible day when the Oncologist confirmed our worst fears, the exquisite joy to hear that we were pregnant and expecting in November, my recovery from surgery at home, our wedding...

our mini-honeymoon just before the treatments...

the first meeting with Dr. Lingas and the Oncology team to discuss the full treatment approach, the pathology report for my cancer and the statistics for recurrence and mortality to validate treatment options, the 7 months and 12 cycles of chemotherapy infusions, the PICC line implant then removal, the Port-a-catheter implantation, the home nursing care...

the meetings with the Naturopath, the diet changes...

the CEA test in August, the CT scan in September...the bottoming out of my immune system and my platelets to require Neupogen injections...

the side effects...the hair loss, the neuropathy, the nausea, the mucositis, the fatigue, the puffy face, the loss of appetite, the loss of taste, the extreme sensitivity to cold, the nerve damage in my fingers and toes, the complete mess of my hands and fingernails, the lack of fine motor skills, the constant "I feel like complete shit today"

the excitement of Victoria's pregnancy and planning for our baby's arrival...

the feelings of overwhelm...of bravery...of despair...of determination...of fear.

And then the relief and joy at completing the chemotherapy treatments just a couple short weeks prior to the most amazing life changing event of my life...so much more life affirming than the events of March earlier this year...the birth of my son, Benjamin and all that he brings to my life..

And as I reflect on what my life was life exactly one year ago today...

And stop and pause and reflect on all that I have experienced as a 42 year old man experiencing what life offers...and wonder what my 43rd year will bring...

This past year has definitely tested my faith.

But...for all who Read this...hear this...let me be clear...

I know that the battle isn't over.

But, I will continue to kick the crap out of colon cancer.

I will fight...and will celebrate each round's victory...

And when the battle is won and I have the cancer pinned on the mat and ready to submit...I will demand a 5-count (instead of the standard 3).

No news is good news

Victoria came with me on December 20th to my 9 month surveillance tests with Dr. Lingas.  Essentially the bloodwork analysis and chest / abdomen and lymph node checking are all to check the status of my cancer...to try and assess whether the chemotherapy has been successful at killing the remaining cancer cells post resection surgery.  The bloodwork is a CEA test which looks for the carcinoembryonic antigen or a protein in my blood that is evidence of colon cancer.  The physical exam looks for evidence of spread or invasion to lungs, abdomen, pelvis and lymph nodes under my armpits.

Surprisingly I was not as anxious as I would have thought I would be...and I owe it to the fact that with a newborn baby at home I have no desire to focus on anything negative with my own health and have been 100 percent, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week consumed with Benjamin and Victoria.  Or perhaps it was because we spent a lot of time talking with Dr. Lingas about babies, breastfeeding, sleep and NOT cancer. 

But...alas the reason for the appointment with Dr. Lingas eventually manifest itself and we discussed the state of things.  Although she did not have the CEA test results back she did have the CBC (complete blood count) analysis to analyze how my recovery from treatments is coming along.  The bloodwork shows that my immune system is recovering...my white blood cells look to be restored to normal, my neutrophils are normal.  For the red blood cells and platelets the news is a little less positive with my counts still being lower than normal.  Not dangerously low or anything to worry about as they are trending upward but still evidence that the 7 months of chemo really wiped out my system and that it will take time to recover.  As for side effects we talked about some of my appetite, my GI system, my bowel movements - yes - a frank discussion of my bowel movements.Obviously we are all acutely interested in the health of my colon and whether there was any negative warning signs...blood, abnormal stools....all the symptoms I had experienced prior to the diagnosis of Stage 3B Colon Cancer and prior to my colonoscopy and then colon resection surgery.  I am happy to report to you (as I was to Dr. Lingas) that my bowels are working great...never been better actually.
We discussed other side effects that I am still struggling with such as my neuropathy, my fingers being a complete mess, my fatigue and extreme weakness in my hips and legs.  She examined my lungs, my pelvis, my abdomen, my armpits, my neck...all seems clear.  And we talked very openly, candidly about future surveillance.  She knew I was already scheduled for a colonoscopy in March, one year after my original diagnosis but I told her frankly that I wanted to stay as aggressive as we can in terms of surveillance.  You see I don't want to go 6 months or a year only to discover that there has been a recurrence or a spread of the cancer and that if we had have caught it earlier through surveillance we could have had positive outcomes or greater opportunities to resolve it.  So Dr. Lingas supports me having further CT scan in March as well.  We discussed the benefits and cons to either CT scanning versus MRI testing and decided to stick with CT scan.  My naturopath had suggested looking at a less radioactive approach than CT scan but if it is the best option for surveilling my type of cancer then let's stick with it.  So...three months from now will be a critical milestone in terms of my cancer journey.  One year surveillance with both scope and with CT will give us a good picture of my battle and our success at kicking the crap out of those damn cancer cells.

Oh yeah..as for the CEA test Dr. Lingas and I have a deal.  She will ONLY call me during the holidays when she checks the results of the test if there is something concerning in the results - if the CEA levels are elevated.  Otherwise and although it may sound cliche..."no news is good news".  (and it is December 29 so I am assuming...no I am stating that all is well and that the CEA test showed no elevation of the cancer markers in my blood).

Until next post I hope and wish for all of you to be surrounded by love, peace, joy and laughter...and of course great food and drink!!! After all it is the Christmas season!

CEA...like the CIA...it's all about surveillance

This post is a return to discussion of my cancer journey as I am preparing myself mentally for the next round of surveillance tests, at the 9 month post-surgery and diagnosis mark.  December 20.  Another significant date.  You see it is on December 20 that I have another special blood test, the CEA test (Carcinoembryonic Antigen), and meet with my Oncologist.   If you remember from a previous posting, the CEA test is a blood test that is part of the surveillance protocol specific to colon cancer.  Cancer of the colon typically secrets a protein known as carcinoembryonic antigen and 70% of colon cancer patients return positive markers for this protein . http://www.lifelabs.com/Lifelabs_BC/Patients/MedicalConditions/Colon_Cancer_-_CEA.asp
So...elevated levels of CEA in the blood can indicate recurrence of the tumour or metastatic spread to other areas of the body.  My last CEA test in August showed no elevation of this marker.  Now, some weeks after the completion of my chemotherapy regimen, this test will be important to gauge the success of the drug therapy at preventing recurrence or spread of the cancer.

One week before Christmas...great timing.   I realize that with the birth of my son recently I have been entirely focused (thankfully) on something other than my cancer and this upcoming next milestone.  But I would be lying if I didn't recognize that there is always in the back of my conciousness this anxiety about this test.  I guess I accept that this will be my "fate" for the next several years - trying desperately to NOT think about the battle, to NOT fear the worst - and focus on the positive, life-affirming things in my world. So...until then I remain focused on my life with Benjamin and Victoria.  You cannot get more life-affirming than having a newborn baby to nuture, to watch develop and grow. 

My health is slowly (and I emphasize slowly) improving.  Ironically, I have been stricken with a bad cold - ironic because I endured 7 months of treatments, a complete bottoming out of my immune system, being at high risk for infection and being on alert for any fever or cold/ illness that could be serious for someone immune compromised like me without getting sick other than the drug side effects.  Then, within a month of completing these treatments I get this.  Oh well.   It is what it is.  I am starting a new supplement regimen now to restore and rebuild both my GI system and my immunity.  This includes bovine colostrum supplements, Vitamin C powder, Plant Sterols, probiotic supplements and lots and lots of ginger, garlic, green and white tea.  I recognize that it took 7 months to pretty much destroy my GI tract and immune system so it will take some time to restore my systems to health.  My energy level is getting better each day.  My taste buds are coming back - YIPPPPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!  Unfortunately my fingers and toes are still a friggin' mess.  I have difficulty typing, writing, holding anything in my fingers that requires fine motor skills and my nails are just a disaster.  They are rippled, cracked, hurt and will take months to grow out.  And I have discovered a new side effect that is not getting better at all - when I close my eyes when standing such as in the shower I become immediately imbalanced, disoriented and almost dangerously unsteady.  But, again, it is what it is.  I am determined to recover, keep my diet healthy, get physically fit as best as I can, continue to manage my mental and emotional health through activities like the registered massage therapy and this blog (I use this blog as my own release, my own therapy if you will).

Until next post, much love and good health to all. 

Look who decided to join us

It has been a few weeks since my last post but I have a pretty good reason for my "silence"...you see I / we have been a bit busy lately.  Many of my Blog followers may have already heard the news through the grapevine or through emails and messages sent out but for those who haven't yet heard...Victoria and I are proud to announce the arrival of our beautiful and healthy son, Benjamin Edward Brown, born at 1:02 pm, Sunday November 25, at St. Joseph's Hospital in Toronto via unplanned C-section and weighing in at 6lbs and 11 oz.   We were supported by our midwives from Midwife Alliance, and our super awesome doula, Kinsi (sp?).  Victoria went into labour in the afternoon on Saturday November 25 and then active labour by about 11pm.  Our midwives and doula arrived at our home shortly after midnight and they helped me support Victoria who slowly dilated and increasingly got nearer to being ready to push.  But, Baby Benjamin had other plans I guess as he never fully dropped into position.  Our midwife, Abir, worked to stretch Victoria and have her progress but after after a few hours of pushing, consults with the doctors at St. Joe's to determine if Ben had dropped enough to be assisted out, and agonizing exhausting painful labour for Victoria, it became a more urgent situation.   Little Benjamin apparently pooped in the womb and his heartrate went into distress.  Benjamin decided to force his mother and I to veer from our birth plan after approximately 14 hours of active labour on Victoria's part but in the end it all worked out for the positive. 

 

And a special shout out to all the staff, the nurses, doctors at St. Joseph's - they are just spectacular.  Like the treatment I received on the Surgical ward after my surgery in March and the compassion with which I have been cared for by the Oncology team over the past several months...every staff member we interact with at St. Joe's is just great.  Truly this is a special hospital.

We are all doing well.  Victoria is slowly recovering from the events of the day almost a couple of weeks ago.  Benjamin is thriving (as his Nana would lovingly say), feeding well, and sleeping like a Champ for the most part.  He has decided he wants to sleep soundly throughout the day and be alert, fussy and needy from about midnight to early morning.  It's been a couple of weeks of wonderful firsts...first bath, first poop, first pee all over his Mom and we look forward to every day of firsts with our son. 

Attached are some pictures we had taken in the hospital...you will see that he inherited his Dad's prominent nose, piano-playing fingers and bend-it-like-Beckham feet and Mom's beautiful eyes, mouth, chin and forehead.

Also, a huge shout out to all of you who continue to show us much love and support.  We appreciate it!

But, lastly there is someone that deserves special recognition. Victoria:  I am entirely in awe of your truly amazing strength for what you endured during the labour.  You sacrificed so much and faced it all with such calm strength that you awed not only me but all those who supported you for those 14+ hours.  Thank you.  And seeing you with Benjamin, watching him thrive every day just further reinforces what I have known for some time now.  You are as wonderful a mother as you are a wife and partner to me.

This old man...he played eight

Just an update for all on my recovery from 7 months / 12 cycles of FOLFOX chemotherapy treatments on Day 8 of Treatment 12 and a Baby Brown update...

Quite frankly I feel very much like someone who has just completed seven long months of chemo, three cycles of Neupogen injections to stimulate bone marrow production of neutrophils and three treatment delays due to bottoming out of white blood cells or platelets.  I think I am now on the other side of the immediate side effects of Treatment 12 such as nausea, GI issues, extreme fatigue etc. and yesterday was a turning point for my appetite...it may just be coming back now.  I still have compromised sense of taste and feel / taste my teeth 24 hour hours a day so it really cuts into my enjoyment of food.  But, I am meeting up with good friends for lunch today and I am soooooo excited....I cannot wait for the Medium-hot chicken sandwich with mushrooms,  cut and sauce on the side from California Sandwiches.  I haven't enjoyed a Cali sandwich for months....actually I have had very little junk food, fast food, since March and I think I have earned it. A shout-out to Laura and Dom Cianflone for helping me "celebrate" the end of my treatments today with some well-deserved fast food ;-)

 It's the other more impactful side effects to the treatment that have proven to be cumulative just as pretty much all the healthcare professionals that have been a part of my treatment team and fellow cancer patients said they would be. And these side-effects are simply brutal and vary in terms of how long my recovery will be from them.  As an example, my fingers right now are just messed up - they hurt, the nails are bubbling and showing these weird growth rings, are super-sensitive to cold, and just a bundle of nerves.  I drop everything.  I cannot write legibly - even filling out a cheque is a chore.  Typing on my keyboard for this post is slow and I am constantly backspacing out the numerous typos I make.  Texting on the BlackBerry is brutal.  My feet are not as bad as my fingers but the nerve damage in my toes and feet is driving me crazy.  They feel like they are in a constant state of nerve firing.  My hips, legs, calves, quads, spine, lower back all ache and have 0 strength. In discussions with my Oncologist it is not entirely a certainty that these side effects will resolve themselves any time soon.  In fact, the neuropathy and nerve damage in the fingers and feet could very be permanent.  They may get somewhat better but may never fully resolve themselves.  And I am ok with that...after all it was my decision to NOT reduce the dosage of the chemo as per my Oncologist's warnings.  I knew the risks of long-term permanent damage but was determined to go at the treatments with full dose...kill the b#$%rds.  Don't give them any leverage.

I feel like an old man - hence the title of this post....

This old man, he played eight,
He played knick-knack on my gate;
Knick-knack paddywhack,
Give a dog a bone,
This old man came rolling home.

My overall fatigue level is improving but it only takes a walk around the neighbourhood with Parker to wipe me out for a few hours and necessitate rest and numerous naps.  My taste buds are shot, my appetite is not yet back to normal, my GI tract is all messed up.   Ironically, although my lack of strength and the way I walk makes me feel like "this old man", from the neck down I look and feel much like an adolescent teenage boy - you see my hair continues to thin out and fall out in some areas.  I have said "Good-bye" to my armpit hair, my chest hair, leg hair and lower extremity hair and even the hair on my toe knuckles.  Yesterday I tried to move our winter tires out of the storage locker and believe it or not I had to muster every ounce of strength in my body just to lift the tires up waist high...I just don't have any muscular strength.  None.  Nada.

But it's all good.  They are done.  I now have nothing but focus for Victoria and our baby that is soon to arrive.  She is 37.5 weeks now - officially full term and Baby Boy Brown has started to drop - his head is now resting "uncomfortably" on Victoria's bladder and pelvis.  But soon....so soon.

A pregnant and sexy Cat in the Hat!

A very spoiled Parker....he and I have spent A LOT of time together these past several months

Until next time...good health and good spirits to all of you.  Thanks for taking the time to stop and read awhile.

Corey Hart may have said it best

Don't get me wrong...I am not a huge Corey Hart fan but in honour of today being the first day of my last Treatment - yes, Treatment #12 is underway!!! - I actually catch myself thinking of the lyrics to the song "Never Surrender":


With a little perseverance you can get things done
Without the blind adherence that has conquered some
And nobody wants to know you now
And nobody wants to show you how

So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender

And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
And no one can take away your right
To fight and to never surrender, to never surrender



Never Surrender. I like that. Keep on fighting and persevere even when your energy is low and your fighting spirit starts to ebb.

So today I was successful in starting my last treatment!!! Yippeeeeeee!!! My platelets rose just enough over the past three days to allow me to be treated today. Thank you, platelets. I guess you heard Leah Noel and I admonishing you to "get up". Thanks, Leah ;-)

Enough for now...the chemo drugs and anti-nausea drugs are taking me over and I need to sleep. The treatment room is busy today. Yikes. Way too many of us are fighting this horrible disease. But I will put that thought away and focus on my absolutely beautifully radiant and evermore pregnant wife who is 36 weeks this past Tuesday!



Until next post, I wish all good health and good spirits.

Looking for that silver lining

Just a brief update to all on a very stormy Monday in TO (or at least we are prepared for the storm to hit tonight) that my last treatment, Treatment #12, has been delayed.  My platelets have bottomed out again to their second lowest level, 66, in the 6 months of treatment.  The threshold for treatment for my Oncologist is 75 - and the only thing we can do right now is wait...give it time...let nature run its course and generate platelets and red blood cells over time.  

My parents were beside me in the waiting room today after making the long trek down from Guelph when my nurse came into the room to talk to me/us. Remember from a previous post that when they come into the room and sit down beside you that the news isn't good.  If it was good, if all was fine and I was given the green light for treatment they just come to the waiting room door and call your name to go into the Treatment room.  Monique, one of the ONC nurses, was sad for me to relay that Dr. Lingas wasn't going to take any chances with my health and safety and re-scheduled me for bloodwork for one week later - next Monday. After calling Victoria and letting her know the bad news she suggested I inquire about going back later in the week to try again rather than waiting a whole week.  So I spoke to the head nurse at the Clinic, Janet, and asked her if Thursday could be an option.  Although she is not optimistic that three days will be enough to bring my platelets up to a safe level she knows my/our story and knows that this is my last treatment and that Victoria is now 36 weeks pregnant and can really go into labour anytime.  So we will try again Thursday.  Cross our fingers and hope.

Admittedly I began to tear up and got a little emotional in the room when I was given the news...you see...I just want to get them over with...I am really really disappointed.  Every day of delay brings me closer to treatments running into Victoria's due date.  I had hoped to have some weeks of recovery time to at least gain some strength back and be feeling better when our baby is born...to be there for Victoria in labour when she needs me most.  We have actually hired a doula (birthing coach) to offer both me and Victoria additional support during labour since we know I won't be able to physically support Victoria how she will need to be supported.  After all, I can barely hold a pencil / pen in my hands let alone offer them to massaging Victoria, rubbing her swollen feet or provide relief to her physical pains.

So where is the silver lining in all this?  I guess I should feel good that despite all the urgency to finishing these treatments my doctor puts my health and safety before all and will not put me at risk with treatment today.  I guess it is a good thing that at least this week I will feel well enough to join Victoria at the new Birthing Centre at St. Joseph's for our tour of the birthing unit and might be able to join Victoria at the appointment with our mid-wife this week.  That's what I will focus on....these positives.

But man...enough already. Come on, platelets.  Let's go.  I want to do this...to put this treatment and what will be 7 months of chemo in the "Been there. Done that" column on life's ledger.