To Barb...Hello Darlin'

On June 13, 2013 Barb James (aka Barbie to many, BJ to me) lost her battle with small bowel cancer and on June 21 back in her hometown of Saskatoon she was memorialized by family and friends.
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/thestarphoenix/obituary.aspx?n=barbara-james&pid=165411904&fhid=6664


When I first heard of Barb's passing (on Facebook of all places) I was overwhelmed with grief...sadness...and fear...and despair.  I remember thinking to myself as I logged on to Facebook that Saturday that I hadn't seen Barb post for awhile...remembered her last post in early May where she shouted out to her industry colleagues at Bayer for help to get access to a possible treatment to hopefully extend her life...but nothing since then.  I had read in Barb's recent posts the extreme despair - you could hear it in her "voice".  But Barb always tempered her posts with  absolute strength and courage in the face of it all...and maintained her sense of humour in spite of it. How the hell she did that I will never know...but damn if she didn't show everyone how to face such brutal adversity with strength and courage. In my mind her blog has always been so fittingly titled Bring It On&nbsp http://www.barb-james.blogspot.ca/ .  I continue to this day be in awe.

Those of you reading this post and who have followed my own journey may have seen my references to Barb throughout.  In fact, I give a huge shout out to BJ in my bio...she inspired me to share my own very personal journey in such a public way and to BE exactly how I want to BE...whether that is scared as shit, sad, furious, sick, overjoyed, happy, **INSERT STATE OF BEING HERE**...it doesn't matter.  Seeing Barb's journey taught me as a battler of cancer that it is perfectly OK to BE in ANY state of being.  That in expressing raw, authentic, genuine, deep-felt emotions about having to be on this f$%^ing journey that it's ok to feel weak, to feel despair, to feel the most intense sense of anger and woe that you just want to shout "WHY ME?!!!! WHY THE F#$% ME?!!!  THIS ISN'T FAIR  THIS IS NOT F@#$ING FAIR!!!!!!".  And that's OK too. But Barb's passing also strikes at the very heart of my deepest darkest fears for my own personal journey...and I just cannot go there.  I cannot.  Barb showed me that sharing the journey with all it's highs and terrifying lows (many times the lows overwhelm any highs) inspires others...makes us stronger and better for it....serves as our own personal therapy.

Barb inspired me in her life and continues to inspire me as one of God's angels.

It is easy to see that Barb had such a positive impact on sooooo many people's lives.

Rest in eternal peace, Barb.  No more battling for you, no more sickness, no more pain.

Those of us you leave behind here will fight the fight in your memory, BJ.  You may be small in stature but your spirit leaves a heavy footprint.