3B or not 3B..that is the question

It has been almost a month since my last update or blog post.  Wow. Life with a newborn has certainly found me with limited time to blog.  Or maybe (and quite frankly) I have mentally taken a bit of a break recently from focusing on my cancer...or at least I have tried to focus on other things a little more life affirming.  


Last weekend we celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary!!! Now THAT is what I call "more life affirming".  Happy Anniversary M & D!!! I find myself at a loss for words (yes - it happens even to me ;-)) when I think about my mother and father and their commitment to each other...the absolute dedication to working hard on their relationship, to working on themselves as individuals, to being present...I am filled with a sense of awe, admiration and determination of my own to learn from them...to bring that same commitment to my relationship with Victoria and to my son, Ben.  I owe it to them to be there, to be present, to be committed and thinking of our life in those terms - long term.  

It has also been soooooo life affirming watching young Benjamin every minute, hour, day, week grow and become more and more of his own unique young self.  In the past week or two it is almost like a switch has been flipped where he sleeps almost through the night, he seems to be enjoying being awake and being active during the day now...he loves grabbing and swatting his friends on the playpad....so much so that he expends a lot of energy to the point of exhaustion....

Benjamin or "Superboy" as I call him gives me all the reason I need to stay focused on being healthy, to doing everything in my power to beat this thing.  Today is his 3 month birthday....happy birthday, my son.  Thank you for using your super powers to help Dad.

This week I went in to St. Joe's for my regular monthly port flush.  I also have pushed to have bloodwork drawn to analyze my Vitamin B12 and folic acid levels to determine if the chemo treatments have caused a condition, pernicious anemia.  I will find out this week if those powerful drugs have created deficiencies in my ability to process and absorb B12. I continue to experience symptoms - neuropathy / nerve damage in extremities, nerve pulsation in the hands and feet, unsteadiness and lack of balance - which could be a result of the chemo drugs, particularly Oxaliplatin, and could have resulted in these long lasting effects.  I was triggered to investigate this possibility from my cousin, Carolyn, who suggested her son, Alex, requires B12 injections to manage his neuropathy.  We shall see.  

Returning to the Oncology clinic and the treatment room this past week really triggered some pretty tough emotions and brought back some tough tough memories.  Some of the same patients were there this week as were there when I was going through treatment.  It's tough. That's all I can say.  Hard to find the life affirming moments.

Looking ahead...

Although I have been so focused on the here and now there are some pretty significant dates and anniversaries in my near or not-too-distant future.

March 8:  Colonoscopy.  Almost one year to the date of my original scope.  1 year surveillance post sigmoid resection surgery.  

March 13:  One year anniversary of initial diagnosis or discovery of the "large growth" that changed my life in an instant.

March 16:  One year anniversary of admission to the hospital and my first ever CT scan.  Who knew that it would the first of many scans in my future.

March 17: 1 year anniversary of surgery when they removed 13cm of sigmoid and 17 lymph nodes.

March 25: 1 yr to the date when I was given the news of the pathology report - Stage 3B Colon Cancer with regional spread of the cancer beyond the colon wall with 2 of the 17 nodes being cancerous.

March 27:  CT Scan.  1 year post-surgery surveillance and monitoring of the pelvic / abdominal and thoracic areas and observation of the status of the lesions on my liver and lungs first spotted in CT Scan dated March 16 a year ago.

March 27: CEA test.  Tracking and measuring those cancer markers.

April 1:  Meet with my surgeon, Dr. Hart to discuss the colonoscopy and CT scan.

April 4: Meet with my oncologist, Dr. Lingas to discuss the colonoscopy and CT scan.

Such is the life of someone with Stage IIIB Colon Cancer. 3B.

Advanced disease with regional spread beyond the colon walls to regional lymph nodes.  

Rigorous surveillance to determine if there is any recurrence or spread.

Constant anxiety and prayer that the FOLFOX adjuvant therapy killed all those friggin' cancer cells that managed to survive the surgery.

I don't know why but I am reminded of this passage from Shakespeare's Hamlet.  I took some liberties with the beginning of the passage, obviously, to suit my own but the meaning is....well...maybe I'll leave that one for others to ponder...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;