This blog post is (believe it or not) one of the toughest ones I have written for all of the emotions that has me up at 3 am to express them. Ironically it is also one of the easiest as the words are flowing fast and furious. Perhaps it is because I was so shaken to hear earlier this week of the passing of Paul Rutulis to multiple myeloma at the age of 52. Perhaps it is because he leaves behind a wife, Cara, and two sons, Troy and Marco, and a wonderful circle of loving family and friends. Perhaps it is because I know Paul and his family and have shared a laugh or two with them over the years...not as many in the recent years as we both have battled that awful brutal disease - cancer. Perhaps because I feel that cancer battlers belong to one large community of intimate strangers (if that makes any sense), with shared experiences, shared fears, shared memories and sub-consciously always considered Paul and I to be informally "in the club". Perhaps it is because I am wracked with so many different emotions at hearing the news of Paul's passing - from profound sadness and grief...to shock, anger and despair. Perhaps it is because I almost have a feeling of guilt that in my own personal battle with cancer I recently received some positive news from my doctors just last week that after one year...one long brutal year...I am cancer free...while Paul unfortunately succumbed in his battle.
But I check myself at feeling guilty for being healthy enough today to write this post in memory of, in tribute to and in honour of Paul. You see I can express through my post words and feelings that are perhaps shared by Paul's family and friends. I won't be so arrogant as to for one second pretend that I know how his loving wife and adoring sons must be feeling. I won't be so arrogant as to for one second pretend that I know how his family circle, his extended family, his circle of friends is feeling. What I do know is this. I know how I am feeling. I am stunned. I am so deeply saddened that the second I read the message from my friend (and Paul's brother-in-law) about his passing that I shouted inexplicably to my wife that "Paul has died" and immediately began to lose it, to be gripped with despair, to cry for him, for Cara, for the boys, for his family. I know Paul was gravely ill but I wasn't aware that the battle with mm had advanced to that stage. Craig subsequently shared with me that his passing this week was sudden and followed the latest prognosis from his medical team just a week or so ago suggesting he had perhaps 8 to 12 months left. And then I got in touch with some really dark stuff - my own darkest fears in my own journey. I am angry that cancer has taken another life way too early. I am so deeply pained that his boys have lost their father at such an early age with so many memories that will never be realized. Perhaps I am getting into touch with my deep fear for my own wife and young son.
I honestly don't know Paul that intimately or well. My connection to him and to Cara and the boys is through Cara's sister, Erica, and her husband and one of my oldest dearest friends Craig. I have known Paul and his family for almost 10 years, been a part of a few birthday celebrations and dinners. I have always known Paul to be on the quieter side...more reserved...but perhaps that is simply because in the context of the gatherings with myself, Erica, Cara, Craig and others he was simply the quietest by comparison. I may not know Paul well enough to recount stories and intimate memories of times past. I could never write in memoriam for Paul outside of this blog. But I hope that all of you who read this post join me in putting Cara and the boys, along with Paul's family and friends in your hearts and pray that they find comfort and peace in the days ahead amidst all the pain and grief.
http://www.lifenews.ca/announcement/2524043-rutulis-paul-mark
http://mountpleasantgroup.permavita.com/siteContent/memorial.html?personId=236102&source=redirect
Damn you cancer. Damn you for taking another life way too early. Damn you for leaving nothing but pain and suffering behind.
God bless you, Paul.
But I check myself at feeling guilty for being healthy enough today to write this post in memory of, in tribute to and in honour of Paul. You see I can express through my post words and feelings that are perhaps shared by Paul's family and friends. I won't be so arrogant as to for one second pretend that I know how his loving wife and adoring sons must be feeling. I won't be so arrogant as to for one second pretend that I know how his family circle, his extended family, his circle of friends is feeling. What I do know is this. I know how I am feeling. I am stunned. I am so deeply saddened that the second I read the message from my friend (and Paul's brother-in-law) about his passing that I shouted inexplicably to my wife that "Paul has died" and immediately began to lose it, to be gripped with despair, to cry for him, for Cara, for the boys, for his family. I know Paul was gravely ill but I wasn't aware that the battle with mm had advanced to that stage. Craig subsequently shared with me that his passing this week was sudden and followed the latest prognosis from his medical team just a week or so ago suggesting he had perhaps 8 to 12 months left. And then I got in touch with some really dark stuff - my own darkest fears in my own journey. I am angry that cancer has taken another life way too early. I am so deeply pained that his boys have lost their father at such an early age with so many memories that will never be realized. Perhaps I am getting into touch with my deep fear for my own wife and young son.
I honestly don't know Paul that intimately or well. My connection to him and to Cara and the boys is through Cara's sister, Erica, and her husband and one of my oldest dearest friends Craig. I have known Paul and his family for almost 10 years, been a part of a few birthday celebrations and dinners. I have always known Paul to be on the quieter side...more reserved...but perhaps that is simply because in the context of the gatherings with myself, Erica, Cara, Craig and others he was simply the quietest by comparison. I may not know Paul well enough to recount stories and intimate memories of times past. I could never write in memoriam for Paul outside of this blog. But I hope that all of you who read this post join me in putting Cara and the boys, along with Paul's family and friends in your hearts and pray that they find comfort and peace in the days ahead amidst all the pain and grief.
http://www.lifenews.ca/announcement/2524043-rutulis-paul-mark
http://mountpleasantgroup.permavita.com/siteContent/memorial.html?personId=236102&source=redirect
Damn you cancer. Damn you for taking another life way too early. Damn you for leaving nothing but pain and suffering behind.
God bless you, Paul.
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